A very long overdue update!

It’s been a long 15 months!  Obviously I became extremely busy around early October of last year.  October 4^th to be exact.  That’s the day my incredible son came into my life.  Today I have a happy, rambunctious, healthy and adorable 13-month old on my hands.  And I thought I had my hands full with a newborn all of those months ago!

It certainly hasn’t been an easy year (or two years – but who’s counting).  In fact, it’s been the most difficult of my life.  But it has also been the most rewarding.  I learned new strengths, got over old weaknesses, struggled and struggled some more.  I became a single mother.  I got divorced.  I lost everything that I thought mattered to me...but at the same time I gained so much more.  My identity and purpose in life had been redefined.  I’ve changed and I know I’ll never be the same again.  Not exactly a bad thing but it’s not something I expected to happen.  But “that’s life” like I’ve been told over and over again.  And now this transformed life has a whole new meaning.  A simple, one-word meaning.  Caleb.

  

The very last belly picture of my pregnancy - 2 days before I went into labor!

 Caleb came into my world at 2:48 am on October 4^th.  A mere 2 hours and 48 minutes past his actual due-date.  I was pleased with his promptness!  It only took him 30 hours to make his way.  Yes, you read that right.  30 HOURS.  30 long, painful and excruciating hours.  Screw you ladies who had quick, easy births!  My kid is going to beat your kid up someday!  Regardless of how long it took, he made it safely.  He was healthy and beautiful.  He made every painful moment of his birth worth it.  He made every painful moment before his birth worth it. 

We spent the first 6 months of his life with my parents.  I never would’ve made it at the very beginning without them.  They provided help and took on the parenting role that didn’t belong to them.  And forever I’ll be grateful.  It was my parents who were up with me in the middle of the night when Caleb wouldn’t stop crying.  It was my father who took Caleb into his arms so I could go outside and just breath when I felt like the weight of my new world was about to crush me.  It was my mother who guided me and assured me that I was a good mother when I felt like I was failing.  Because of them I never did fail during those first few months.  I know that now.  With their support I can never fail as a parent.  Because of our time with my parents Caleb developed a bond with them.  It’s much more obvious now that he’s older and more expressive.  There’s a closeness to them that he doesn’t have with many.  You can see his love for his Vavo & Vovo just by the way he looks at them.  It’s indescribable, really.  It’s amazing.

I went back to work when Caleb was 3 ½ months old.  I would’ve loved more time off.  But with life as it was I had no choice.  It’s a struggle to be a working mom.  It’s even more of a struggle to be a single working mom.  I wanted to compensate for what I felt like he lost by being born into a broken family.  But I know I can’t physically do it because I have to work until 4:30 every day.  I want to spend more than 3 hours a night with him.  I want him to know that I’m not deserting him for something else.  I need him to know that nothing is more important to me than him and I feel like I don’t have enough time in the day to show him that.  I had terrible guilt for the first few weeks.  But I know that someday he’ll be proud of me and the things I’ve accomplished out of all of this.  I need to remind myself often, but I know that I can manage a successful career and still be a successful and happy mother.  I want to be a good example for him.  I still have moments of guilt and I’m sure I always will.  But I know I’m doing the best I can for him.  He knows it too!

By the time Caleb was almost 6 months old it was obvious that we needed more space!  So we moved – only 2 miles away!  I had never been so homesick!  But I knew it was time to move on.  I needed to start another new chapter in this life that I began to rewrite.  It was no longer about what I had always dreamed and wanted.  That ridiculous notion was destroyed months before Caleb was even born.  It was going to be about me and Caleb and the life I was destined to build for the two of us.  Moving out on our very own was that first step.  And today we have a loving and warm home.  Our little household.  Our little family.  Me, Caleb and Lexi (the tortured Chihuahua!).  It may be noisy and filled with loud toys, crying, laughing, sleepless nights, early mornings, barking, dancing, cartoons and toddler music but there’s no other way I’d rather have it.  It’s the sounds of house full of love and happiness. 

 

Playing in his very own bedroom!

Spring and summer flew by!  Caleb began babbling and sprouting teeth one after another (as of today he has a mouthful of 12 teeth)!  He mastered the art of rolling around the house and I swear he was never going to crawl.  He was 9 months old when he finally started!  Caleb officially became a beach-bum like his mother.  He loved the sand but was never too thrilled with the cold water at our beaches!  Every single day he grew more and more playful.  He has the sweetest and funniest personality.  He also continued to grow more and more active!  Just like I knew he would.  As I had mentioned countless times when I was pregnant, I knew he was going to be just as active outside of the womb as he was inside.  And I was right!  He also continued to grow off the charts!  By his 9 month well-visit in July, Caleb’s stats were that of an 18 month-old!  My future linebacker!

Exactly 1 week before his first birthday Caleb started walking!!  He now runs, climbs, falls and is fearless!  There’s a new bruise every day.  And his list of accident reports at daycare continues to pile up!  He’s a boys-boy, that’s for sure.  He’s a bit of a bully, too!  Caleb is well-versed in the meaning of the word “NO” since he hears it so often.  I’ve been told that I’m going to have my hands full with him.  Little do they know that I already do! 

We celebrated his first birthday with all of our family & friends.  It was obvious how loved he is by them all.  I threw him a Cat in the Hat themed party and loved every minute of it!  I’m already trying to plan next year’s theme!  On the actual day of his first birthday I woke up in the middle of the night…I wanted to be awake at 2:48 am and just watch him sleep.  What a difference a year had made for both of us.  Here was this little boy sound asleep in his crib, clutching his Georgie and dreaming.  A year ago at that very moment he was a tiny newborn lying on my chest seconds after entering the world.  I never loved someone so much and every day since I’ve loved him more and more.  And here I was, his mother, with a completely different life than where I had been a year ago.  Never in my wildest nightmares would I have imagined that things would’ve turned out the way they had.  But at 2:48 that morning of his first birthday I was finally able to embrace it and leave it behind.  I became a new person over that past year and I owed it to Caleb to accept the road that my life took and follow it where ever it’s going to lead us.

October 4, 2009

October 4, 2010



Happy 1st Birthday, Buggy!